Personal Holocaust

i used to count street lights on the open road
now i go back and all those roads are closed
time attacks the past, leaving it behind
for me its just a memory in the back of my mind
hopeful thinking
heart is sinking
deep into the worlds abyss
minds illusion
prides contusion
there is no piece that seems to fit
i think my life remains incomplete
i look behind me and see one set of feet
alone, alone is all i really know
although its not the way i chose
self destruction
lost construction
bridges fall and chances are gone
i am naked
fate awakens
with the world on my shoulders i carry on

they say the grass is greener on the otherside
i think it all depends on what you carry with you in your life
and when the past is gone and there is nothing else to take
pick up your heart from off the ground and with it create
create a new footpath that leads to where you wish to go
let your heart decide what you really know
"in arrogance, the wicked hunt down the weak
they are caught in the schemes that they devise"
please dont tell me how to live my life

i used to count street lights on the open road
not carring at all where those roads go
i was little, and my brain was nothing more
than another piece of broken glass on the floor
white picket fence
just makes no sense
if it never connects end to end
thoughts that are lost
personal holocaust
some things will never mend





JC

Quiet Rain

let me go out into the quiet rain
no trouble no worries to bother my brain
rain drops keep falling
as if angels were bawling
but in the midst of disaster everything is tame

let me go out into the drowning pool
temptations and evil make me the fool
as i start sinking
my mind starts thinking
i only did this because it was cool

let me go out into the desert so hot
the lords word happens to be all i got
no need for water
but as i get hotter
my body aches and my mind starts to rot

let me out of this cage i am in
away from my worries away from my sin
as much as i try to hide
you can still see me screaming inside
give me once chance, to prove i can win

let me out into the quiet rain
let me out so i can become the person i should have became
let me out so i can give myself a name
a name, and a life that bares no shame
let me out into the quiet rain






JC

Drinking Hell

drinking hell
feel it go down
the troat burns
the pain surrounds
the sorrow hides
behind each sip
as the lies
poach on the lips
pitting haste
stupidity shows
bottoms up
and down it goesf
orever staind
inside your heart
you were drinking hell
now you fall apart

believe in me
cant you see
half the world
has fallen asleep
i am so awake
i am so tired
of watching this world
catch on fire
burning down
burning away
i feel so helpless
i am awake
believe in me
help me please
half the world
has fallen asleep

drinking hell
what can you do
once its down
it is through

It Ends Tonight

put out my fire
dowse my flame
take away this anger
that drives me insane
dark depression
with hidden lies
the evil around me
crashes into my life
my fire grows
spreading like crazy
burning my world
and everything that made me

welcome to my world
where the only thing that grows in pain
this is the end of my rope
this is where i remain
ive hit a wall
and i cant go back
i cant do anything at all
because i cant refer to my past
this anger inside me
seems to come and go
and where it comes from
i just do not know
nothing can help me
but these words i say
somebody help me
get these things away

this is my life
this is how i live
i dont know how i do it
but this is how ive been
my world is a mess
thats only answer is death
sometimes i look at it
as if its the only thing i got left
pain is all i am
its all i got to show
i hide it under my skin
so no body will no
when ppl get a cut
pain comes out bleeding
but for me a cut
just is not needed
i do not know where im at
sorrow surrounds me
i am lost in the dark
and no eyes have found me

put out my fire
dowse my flame
take away this anger
that drives me insane
put that bullet in the barrol
cock it to a perfect fit
point the weapon at my head
and let the trigger slip
forget all about me
forget all that ive said
forget all about me
as the bullet hits my head
fed up with the real world
fed up with this life
fed up with this anger
so it ends tonight







JC

No Clue

i feel like no body knows me
i am so used to being lonely
nothing could help me
just let your stranger eyes melt me
redo my mind to fit everyone elses
because all i am is helpless
nothing i can do can help me
i play the cards god delt me

raise my hands
raise my voice
i dont understand why i cant make a choice
take a breathe
take a break
i dont understand my contagious mistakes
here i go
on my own again
without a home and without a friend
take my chances
i got nothing to lose
why i am lonely i have no clue

i feel i am the only one fighting this pain
i look around me and im the only one under the rain
my heart is beating faster than i can count
somebody please come tear it out
hate my soul and everything i know
u held my hand now its time to let go

theres a fire inside me
burning brightly
lighting my world
but its not seen through my eyes
theres this lonely feeling
no signs of healing
my world is dark
as if i was blind
raise my hands
raise my voice
i dont understand why i cant make a choice
take a breathe
take a break
i dont understand my contagious mistakes
here i go
on my own again
without a home and without a friend
i take my chances
i got nothing to lose
why i am so lonely i have not a clue




JC

Silent Soul

silent footsteps follow me
they go where ever my footsteps lead
a blanket of protection a shadow of hope
they go where ever my footsteps go
the naked eye can not see them
but i see them ever so clear
they are a naked eye to me
they watch out for all my fear

silent voices talk to me
they speak before anything i do
a second opinion for all my decissions
the words that help me to go through
a voice of wisdom and knowledge
a voice that no one else can hear
but since im alone and afraid
any voice that speaks can be heard clear
i follow the voices i hear where ever they go
like the footsteps that follow me
it is good to know there is something there
something to be where ever i will be

a silent soul touches me
in a way i can not describe
it changes my mind and my heart
it changes my entire life
it takes my hand and pushes me onward
like a sheperd watching over its sheep
i keep on moving forward
with nothing but its footsteps following me
when i am lonely the soul talks to me
it tells me everything is alright
though to the naked eye i can not see
i know its always near my life





before me
below me
i need someone to show me
behind me
beside me
i need somone to guide me






JC

Fiber

with the world on my shoulders
i walk a little bit faster
my mind forgets the laughter
i move on from my infamy
with the world on my shoulders
i shoot myself bcuz i dont know
i dont know what im doing anymore
but i guess i dont got nothing to fight for
with the world on my shoulders
i die a lonely man
i die with the gun in my hand
i die right where i stand
with the world on my shoulders
stress conquers all i have
i hate myself for being bad
i hate myself
with the world on my shoulders
so the world is just a t-shirt
billions of fibers bonded together
to take away any pain that hurts





JC

ChristMiss

i am still awake
counting snow flakes
on this christmas eve
i count myself to sleep
i remember the times
when this was so much more
than just a christmas tree
and presents on the floor
santa clause did exist
those are the times i mostly miss
something was in me
that inspired me to live
those are the times i mostly miss

i was so anxious for dawn
so i could jump out of my bed
i could not sleep at all
with excitment running through my head
i imagined what it would be like
seeing the presents under the tree glow
i couldnt resist not getting up
so down the stairs i would tip toe
so quietly i stepped
avoiding all the houses creeks
every step i took
seemed like it took for weeks
when the bottom approached
i looked into the room
i could see the room glow
and smell the pine fumes
with my eyes open wide
and my mouth fallen open
i tryed to peek at the presents
leaving them without no body knowing
i smiled as i could tell everything on my list
was sitting infront of me wrapped in paper
those are the times i mostly miss
when i just could barely wait for later
i chose to walk up the stairs though instead
back up to the pitch black dark abyss
anxious with a smile, i sneaked up the steps
those are the times i mostly miss

i didnt even no that i fell asleep
i woke up with daylight beemed on my cheek
i looked out my window and saw the snow resting
not melting yet but the sun was contesting
i rub my eyes out and i jump to the floor
i wake up my brother with a slam of the door
i wake up my sisters, not caring how grumpy they will be
when they are opening presents they'll be thanking me
i sit on the steps with everyone else
mom and dad tease us just for their health
they open the gate we all fly down
pushing and shoving eachother around
paper starts flying
everyones smiling
a priceless picture
nothing i would replace it with
but its all just a memory now
those are the times i mostly miss
and all i have now is just the word christmas
comercialized with jokes and gifts
there is no such thing as a wish
why cant santa still exist
those are the times i mostly miss

i want to sit awake
just count snow flakes
this christmas eve
i want to count myself to sleep.....






JC

Lonely Girl

where has my life gone
its lost in my wrongs
i am no more than an outcast
due to the past behind my back
im trying to walk away
but it just seems to stay
i want to cry
i need to cry
let the tears flow
let them go out of control
they say the more tears the less pain
thats not true, it all hurts just the same
middle finger
to my broken figure
ive lost myself and now im depressed
im looking to find me as my best
but here i am
blistered where i stand
im shaking in fear
not knowing where is "here"

lifes a long, broken lie
seen through the broken eye
its such a sad lonely world
through the eyes of the lonely girl
with a missing identity
and she wonders where could it be
but what she doesnt see
is that its right infront of her
open your eyes-lonely girl






JC

Flabbergasted

Fear rapes my body
I am wrapped with shame
I hold my tongue
To defend my name
Scared speechless
Will to live is gone
Confused about what I hear
It sounds so wrong

A shadow whispers
I open my eyes
Can’t make out a picture
I comeback with an indolent reply
I pick up my head
But my mind remains sleeping
My throat is dry
From uncontrollable weeping
Scared speechless
Desire to die is strong
I don’t know what to think
Because I don’t know what’s going on

I see the sea
Its much bigger than expected
It is a sign of hope
But this hope will be rejected
Hope is a tease
An addictive drug
With hope comes fate
And all remains are swept under the rug
Hope is unreal
A fictional belief
It stifles your fear
With hopes of relief
I am scared speechless
Determination is just not present
What once was an addiction
Is now a lost obsession

Fear rapes my body
I am wrapped in shame
Not only am I the victim
But the suspect to blame
Scared speechless
I can’t find my heart
I swallow my twinge
As I slowly fall apart




JC

From this Point of View

Confusion infects my mentality
I can’t seem to find reality
I want to give up
Motivated by what you say
It makes me feel like I will be ok
But that’s just not enough
Reaching out to different branches
Counting my steps and taking my chances
I’m trying something new
Life just doesn’t seem the same from here
Where I stand it doesn’t look as clear
From this point of view..

Her beautiful eyes sit motionless on her face
My eyes stay on-call for the chase
Because she seems to get away
My head is bolstered up by my hands
Thinking what if we could both understand
Only if I had the words to say
Before I close my eyes at night I say a prayer
Asking God to help me from being scared
Because I am just terrified
Then I thank him for all that I got
Tell him that I love him a lot
But I don’t know if that amount is clarified

I get lost in those stunning eyes
The way out I sometimes can’t find
But I don’t know if she knows-
That I see far past all of the colors
And deep down I think I love her
But for now it just does not show
i find my self asking what to do
im foreign from this point of view
There is no way to comprehend this
I don’t know what I’m doing with my life
But I know I’m still lost in those eyes
So I realize that I like my chances

Confusion infects my mentality
I can’t seem to find reality
I just want to give up
Motivated by what you do
I try to find a way to get to you
But will that be enough?



JC

Eye of the Storm

lost in the eye of the storm
and the eye is where i stay
for now the weather is warm
but horrid weather is coming my way
the sun's shine is so decieving
making my life look bright
no way is it worth beliving
because really im not alright
i have lost my joy and happiness
it was swept away by the wind
my mind has been abused by all of this
all of this mess i'm in
i dont know why i fight anymore
for i go up against an undefeated force
and every morning when i wakeup
the feeling i have only gets worse
the feeling of want and need
it makes me just want to close my eyes
i wish not to use my eyes to see
see oppertunities just passing me by
i look into the crack clustered mirror
giving on its dull colored grey
the mirror conveys my fear
and its broken to match my face
i am lost in the eye of the storm
only my feelings can guide me
i am lose in the eye of the storm
with nothing but feelings beside me



JC